pretzels are good….

……..so, i haven’t blogged for over a year? what’s up with that? i got to thinking about it the other night and realized that it must be because i don’t have anything to say or something? or that i’m not doing anything worthy of writing about….WHAT?! that’s terrible……so i’ve made a decision. i need to do something worth writing about. make a difference in each day i live.

for the past year i’ve been working at gwen and audrey’s elementary school as a para-educator. i truly love the job and considering i studied elementary education in college, but didn’t finish, it’s the next best thing to being a ‘real’ teacher…….

i want to make a difference. ah, is that trite? too cliche? what does that really mean? do i want people to know that i’m doing something important? or that people like how i do things? hmmmm, maybe…..doesn’t everyone like to be recognized for their efforts? well……….i think i want to make a difference because it’s the right thing to do and it’s what God would want me to do…..even if no one notices……….even if i don’t get recognized for it………………if people see Jesus in me through how i do things, then maybe they’ll want to serve Him too. i believe it’s really that simple.

be a decent human being. genuinely care for others. reveal to them at the appropriate time that you are who you are because of what Jesus has done in your life.

i hope to have some good posts soon…….

here’s the thing with ‘praying that things will change’……sometimes, god actually wants to work on us before he changes things…..i’ve realized that circumstances don’t always change but thankfully, god allows us to feel his peace and joy so that the difficult times are more endurable……..that’s where i am…….for those who have been praying……..

it’s always good to look back, and see how far you’ve come in area’s of struggle, and doubt………and realize that even though it seems very slowly at times, god is working……….

over the past week or so god has used various people to get us through and i must give him the credit for that…….it’s nice to feel like he’s still ‘here’…….that he does answer prayer and that he does have a plan………..

it’s almost like i’ve been wandering in the dark, and it’s still dark, but i sense movement ahead of me, and i’m going to follow it……..although, i am still aware of the things that scare me are still there, i’m not as afraid as i used to be……..

that’s how i feel right now at least……………….

we’ve been in the inner circle……..in the church…..in fact, that’s where we always were…….it’s been almost 2 years since we were there and it’s a funny place to be, in the outer circle………by that i mean, it’s interesting to see how hard it is for other ‘inner circlers’ to approach us now……..’how do i minister to a former ‘inner circler?’……………let’s face it, the church can tend to be a club of christians………..most of which (my former ‘inner circle’ self included) don’t know how to relate to christians who aren’t in that circle, let alone, not attending church anymore……………i’m really not saying this with cynicism (for once)……i’ve just realized lately, in the midst of our struggles as a family, it has been said to us repeatedly………..’you need to be in church so you have a support group’…………really?………….so then, the unchurched, the ‘not’ followers of god, the ‘worldly’, need to be in church too, to get support………….? i think yes, according to an unofficial mental poll of a lot of the church attending people i know right now……………….

so, i ask now, for prayer…….for direction, for finances, for peace and joy…….from the one of the places where i’ve found support and encouragement in the past couple years………voxtropolis, my outer circle

last night i watched the last 30 minutes or so of ‘little miss sunshine’………….i like it because it’s about a messed up family……it’s about things not working out…….it’s about sticking together when you want to give up…………i hope that our messed up story will make a difference to someone someday…………

…do you ever read your blog? go back and read it, way back?……how about other people’s?……it’s sobering for me to go back and re-read my thoughts, and my husband’s from the past couple years….i wanted to see ‘how far i’d come’……it’s a discouraging place to be when you realize that things haven’t changed much…….when so many people have assured you that god’s plan will be evident ’soon’……romans 8:28…..i don’t get that……..when you think you have a support system and you don’t………..i’ve come to the realization that what god wants for me/us is to just continually learn the hard way, and alone……….when one by one the people you count on drop like flies in your life, afraid to be a part of your pain…..confused at what to do with your anger and cynicism……..in the past 22 months of my life, the lows have been drastically lower in contrast to the highs we’ve had……..i’m just tired of it……..why do i feel so alone in this, because i am………..god if you hear me, i’m tired of being in a holding pattern……….i want a drastic positive change for my family and i want it to happen soon………………i hope to look back and read this soon, with a different outlook……………

audrey (6 yrs old)…”mom, is everything something?”

gwen (9 yrs old)……”no.”

audrey …….”uh huh”

gwen…..(with a ‘duh’ look on her face) “um, ‘nothing‘ .”
i just am at a loss for words sometimes as a mom…….

yesterday i was sitting in my living room and i heard a distinct chirping outside…..it was set apart from all the other birds…..i looked across my dining room and out the window and saw a bright red cardinal in a tree……i smiled because i knew it was a cardinal……i smiled because dale taught me how to listen to the bird calls…….then started that faster than lightning chain of events in my mind…….it’s amazing to me how fast the mind can work…the cardinal sat on that branch for about 20 seconds or so…….here’s how it went……..

red cardinal chirping…..dale……how amazing dale is……how many things he’s taught me……..how much of the world he’s learned about…….how little i know……..how wonderful he is………how unfair life has been to him……how selfish people get ahead…….how i wish i could change things….how pretty cardinals are….how i want him to be happy and fulfilled…….how little i’ve trusted god lately….how much i want to trust god……..how god said he’d take care of the sparrow……..i’m not sure i’m as important as the sparrow really……can god forget us?…..what is it i really want?……….red cardinal flies away…….

am i crazy?

ok, i’m having one of those…..blah days……one where you can’t seem to focus, and you wander around aimlessly, starting tasks never finishing them……this dang computer keeps beckoning me…….beckoned me away from the television where i was watching a tivoed oprah……micheal moore was on talking about health care……he has a new movie coming out called ’sicko’….anyway, he had a clip from the movie where some 911 rescue workers were very sick, and were not getting the proper health coverage……HERE’S THE SICK PART……at guantanamo bay, where they are holding al qaeda prisoners, the medical care is top notch…….i got so angry……my husband is diabetic and for us to get state coverage we would have to be bringing in less that $350 A MONTH………..ok, i’ll get off my soapbox now…..

sometimes i think it’s the christian cop out for action…..’have faith’….what is that supposed to mean?….have faith that god is going to do what?…….i don’t even know how to pray most days, and i am expected to have faith that god will still be god?…doesn’t he just do what he sees as best for us?……..

…….if faith means devotion to god, then why do so many faithless get ahead in this world?…..while many others, who in my opinion are solid in their faith/devotion to god get raw deal after raw deal?

….i was talking to someone recently about a health issue, they said ‘well, you could go to the doctor, or just have faith.’……..i had to use a credit card to get some necessities recently, another comment ‘you should have faith’……so do i sit back and wait?……..does god withhold blessings from people of action?

hebrews 11:39-40 ‘These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised. God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect’

i’m only human, and i’ll admit, this is a tough verse to absorb into my life right now……..how do we reconcile our faith? how do we trust god? doesn’t it seem sometimes that there are contradictions in scripture…..there’s hebrew’s 39-40, then there’s………’ask and it will be given’……’where two or more are gathered’……..personally, i’ll follow the latter two………

i don’t know……..i understand that our rewards in heaven for our faith will be incredible, but let’s be honest…..who doesn’t want some blessings now………a break…….yeah, yeah…..…’because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance’………..’all things work together for good’………..

i don’t get the faith thing sometimes, that’s all

well, last night was my son’s high school graduation……..although his best friend from rhode island was with us to watch the ceremony, it was bittersweet for him, his heart is back at his high school in ri, but we did see the joy in his face throughout the night…….despite everything it was a nice ceremony and as expected, we are very proud of him…….not to take away from that but i have to share a moment we experienced last night that really was one of those (corny but true) moments where you have renewed faith in teenagers, and people in general………about halfway through the names being called for the distribution of diploma’s, the principal called out…..elijah lamont martin………the graduates started, then it spread…..an eruption of cheers and applause, not just clapping but celebration..it wasn’t long before the entire facility was standing for  elijah…..it gave me chills….turned out, elijah’s parents and grandparents were sitting behind us…….i asked, ‘is there a story behind this?’……the grandmother leaned toward me and said ‘he was pronounced dead before he was born, see what god can do!’……..i didn’t even know this boy, who i later found out had been in high school beyond just 4 years, and is 24 years old…..i couldn’t help but share the joy of everyone………..so in a ceremony where we were supposed to ‘hold all applause until the end’……i’m glad that the human spirit reigned over protocol……….